day one of duloxetine

I fainted twice this morning. Oh dear. I did, however, find out that whereas it costs about £1.50 a month to treat me with citalopram, as duloxetine is only available as a branded drug (Cymbalta), it costs about £30 a month. Because I'm worth it.

I think I will return to being horizontal now, it's safer.

psychiatrist appointment

So... as it turns out, the referral to psychotherapy that I've been so desperately waiting for? Hasn't even been started yet. And the psychiatrist thinks it doesn't matter, because it will take about 6 months to get me to the top of the waiting list anyway, so losing 6 weeks means nothing. I'm feeling pretty crushed about the whole thing. And annoyed as hell, because if everyone had just behaved sensibly and let the referral go through from CAMHS in May, then I'd be 5 months into the 6 by now and there'd be light at the end of the tunnel. Basically she got a bit grumpy with me and said I'm lucky that my CPN has DBT training and that's therapy enough. I just can't have what keeps me healthy(ish).

In other news, in a couple of weeks I'm coming off citalopram and onto duloxetine (any experiences?). I have to come up with some kind of 'safety plan' before I'm allowed to switch though, which should be fun.

Tonight my large bottle is of mango barcadi breezer.

action

I just had a meeting with my flatmates and the hall wardens to discuss their flatmates-from-hell status. Hopefully it will have helped, and there won't be anymore turning up the music when I ask them to turn it down. I am really losing patience with the living situation.

I have an appointment with my psychiatrist tomorrow, and for the first time ever in a health-care type situation, I've actually had to write a list of what I want to say to make sure I get my point across. It's not that the doctor isn't lovely, but I feel pretty steam rollered by the whole system at the moment, and I want to try to do something about it. It is a week of action!

But for now, I have a large bottle of posh cider to myself.

in the shadow of psychotherapy

I haven't been writing much lately. It's been hard.

I miss therapy. I really, really miss therapy.

I'm not saying last year was good - that would be foolish seeing as many of you were reading through it and it was clearly not. But I did come out of it with 3 fucking good A Levels. I was able to do the work, know the stuff. I am capable of succeeding academically. I can do it. I am smart and able enough to be at university and get this degree.

But without my two hours a week of psychotherapy, without that buffer against the battering ram of my emotions, without the opportunity to at least go someway to compartmentalising - I can't do it. I'm surviving, and I'm getting through, but it's taking everything, and there's no room left for work. Even if there were, my head is far too cluttered to think clearly, to focus, to absorb information. I'm struggling to even sit all the way through lectures.

I can't do this without therapy. It's becoming clearer and clearer. Medication is helpful (taking a lot of a lovely old fashioned anti-depressant/anxiolytic called flupentixol 'as needed' along with the citalopram currently), meeting with the CPN is a stop gap (when it happens), but I need structured, at least weekly therapy to keep me health. I've known for a long time that this is what I need.

I was told the referral was going to be done by the new people a month ago. They keep saying it's being done. I've heard nothing. Even if it's actually gone through, they seemed to think it could take 3months+.

I miss therapy.

the joys of university life

Message from accomodation services in my inbox: "Please could all residents note that the vacuum cleaners provided in your kitchens are not suitable for liquids". Only students.

I'm off back home on Friday for a very much needed break. Very excited about seeing everyone (most of my friends are returning from far flung corners for a birthday party) and seeing Rocky Horror at midnight on Halloween! Mostly just excited about getting to see my cat and have a bath, though...

Still no word on therapy.

support

I had my assessment for disabled students allowance yesterday and it was brilliant! The assessor really knew what she was talking about and helped me think about the things that my condition(s) make it more difficult for me to do. I hadn't realised just how much of an effect depression/medication has on my working memory until she brought it up and took me through the signs. She's recommending lots of helpful stuff for me, including a digital recorder for lectures, a printer and scanner, and software that reads things back to me in case I'm having difficulty concentrating. Student Finance have still got to approve it (which they will no doubt bollocks up at least once!), but hopefully it will all be in place in about a month, which is really positive.

I had to leave a lecture due to a panic attack for the first time today. I'm annoyed because it was on something I'm actually quite interested in (cognitive development in childhood). Tiredness from flatmates waking me up at all hours and too much alcohol consumption in the last week has made me more prone to panic attacks. Hopefully it was just a blip.

the strangest things happen in A&E

Having had my explosion of mental, I'm actually feeling much more together today. Go figure. In the spirit of this, and also the fact that these are the kind of anecdotes that I cannot share with the general population because it would involve explaining why I was in A&E. So here is a slightly more comedic version of my day.

• I got a taxi to A&E. The driver asked why I was going - I panicked slightly and said it was to see a friend. He assumed that it was a drunken fresher accident, and I went along with it... except when I ordered another taxi to get back to campus, it was the same driver! Who of course asked how the friend was and what had happened, and I had to completely make up a story. I really hope I don't see him again!
• There was a handcuffed patient with a police escort in the waiting room. Listening to the nurses revealed he'd been caught at 8am in a popular theme park in possession of ketamine. To quote one of the nurses, "naughty naughty".
• It was pretty busy and stressed in the waiting room, but light relief was provided when 4 gorgeous women in full on jewelled saris entered the room! I was in floods of tears at this point but I couldn't resist a smile when they came in. I have no idea what they were doing there, but the fact that many of them had midrifts on show certainly cheered some of the patients up...

Seeing the CPN tomorrow, so we shall see if the 'urgent referral' that was made without asking me any questions about my mental health whatsoever got through to the CMHT...