This week hasn't been as awful as I feared. I've mostly been ok, as long as I keep myself busy - if I stop thinking about something else for even a second, then it knocks me off my feet. I made a bit of a scene with some slightly hysterical tears when I came out of therapy this morning. My therapist even put her arm around me - that was a shock for the therapeutic boundaries!
I've been seeing her for a year and I feel like we've made a lot of progress, and yet I still can't talk about it with her. In fact, 3 years, 4 therapists and countless other mental health types later, and I still can't talk about it in any kind of detail with anyone. It's difficult to see a way I'll ever get past it when I am totally unable to get it out of me.
I have 4 sessions left with my therapist. "Eeek" doesn't quite cover it.
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6 comments:
Other mental health types don't count, but four therapists, none of whom you can really talk to? That's terrible. Just terrible.
There are therapists who know how to do it properly, there really are. You just have to find one!
*hug* Maybe you would find it easier in some kind of support group with people who have survived similar stuff.
Can you write about it? That might sound trite or over simplified, but then you can go at your own pace. Maybe hand over little sections to her each week? I found myself able to write things down that I have never been able to talk about to anyone.
Holding it all in can feel so impossible, like a complete trap, and bigger than you are, but once it's out, the relief is unbelievable. The thing is, I think it's not so much being able to talk to the therapist, I think it's about being able to face yourself, and those feelings.
Lola x
cbtish - not 4 therapists I couldn't talk to. 4 therapists I couldn't talk to about this. (Actually, 1 therapist I couldn't talk to about anything, and 2 therapists I could talk to about a lot of things, and 1 therapist I can talk to about everything except this).
Lola - yeah, I think it is about being about to tell myself. I've tried writing it, and I can't - I can't even think it all to myself, if that makes sense. Every fibre of me fights against the idea of it being a coherant, chronological memory.
I get that. Totally. I'm so sorry that you are in that place. It's so overwhelming to have this big thing in your head and not knowing how to get it out
xx
I am sorry that you are stuck in this place, not knowing how to work through all that ha happened to you. Take your time, and good luck. Hannah X
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